我想更懂你

一个人心里的痛，没人懂，也不会有人懂；希望被理解，却无法相信。

想要解释，却被认为解释永远是多余的，更加被认为是借口。
所以，宁愿任意的让你们误会，也不想有多余的解释，只想保持沉默。
因为只有沉默才有让我有解释的空间，或许也只有沉默才懂我心里的痛。
然而，在自己选择沉默的背后，谁又真正的懂我心里的痛？


在自己孤独寂寞的时候，常常会一个人静静的胡思乱想，害怕自己突然间会失去某些东西。
在自己难过的时候，常常会一个人躲起来擦拭自己的眼泪，然后再对别人伪装出一副笑脸。
在自己失落的时候，好想有个人可以陪陪自己，哪怕片刻也好，也足够于安慰自己的那颗失落的心灵。
在自己无奈的时候，好想有个肩膀可以依靠一会儿，让自己无奈的心可以得到暂时的休息，让自己不再怀着疲惫的心去旅行。
在自己无助的时候，好想有个人可以真正的关心自己、在乎自己，给自己支持和鼓励，让自己再有前进的动力，不会让自己想有放弃的想法。


所以，没人能懂自己心里的痛，也没有人会随便的可怜你，或许自己也不被列入被可怜的对象，在这虚伪的现实中，恐怖也只有自己可怜自己吧………

或许，在你们的眼中我是有多么的开心，可是谁又能知道自己心里是悲伤的，只是被自己极力的掩饰着………

2010年的第一篇

前几天见过了几个好朋友，很开心，心里有着太多的感慨，诉说不尽。期待着下一次的见面，希望那个时候，我们都过的很好。

　　好久没写日志了，今年第一次写，还是那么句话，文字太惨白了，根本无法表达的出自己心境里的内容。

　　今晚的夜是如此的寂静，静得连丝丝的风也吹得落寞，仿佛整个的夜里只弥漫着我一个人的伤悲，心潮又升上了沉沉的雾霭，多少个这样的夜，一个人默默的感伤，情丝千千结，无关对于错，只知道有一些，已让自已沉沦在落寞的忧伤里，我已无法牵回旧日的时光。。。

　　当落寞如清风袭来时，心底有深深的难过，躲不开应有的情绪，只能试着让心事散落，疼痛的心底，只有惨白的往事在讪笑我的那份无法割舍。
　　时间又寂寞的翻过一页的孤单，寂寞的日子用一分希望来慰藉那份流着泪的悲伤，玩笑般的命运，留下了抹也抹不去的伤痕，走也走不完的孤独，身后，只留下长长的追忆。
　　曾经很多时候黯然心伤，也曾经在无数个夜里，思念着过往，那一切美好的错过，把牵挂留在心里，丝丝缕缕，淡淡的久久的。
　　时光毫不留恋的从身边溜走，一颗心载不动额外的情感，谁是谁的过客，谁也说不清，仿如秋天里的落叶，旋落了便再无痕迹。
　　任风摇落旧日的尘埃，窗外摇荡着浮华如烟雨的往事，旧梦如秋风里凋落的花叶，只留一抹颜色，却无力收获。美丽的画面依然会勾起我唇角，只是笑容里，身影已在遥遥的那方。。。
　　迷离的眼中流淌着疼痛，往事太过沉重，纸上一页页的书写着惆怅，印记依然清晰，心却破碎在忧伤的梦里，泪眼朦胧间，却再也找不到身影，清冷的月下，只剩下我一个人，独自寂寞，独自疼痛。
　　一颗心起起落落，沉沉浮浮，没人能看得懂的寂寞，寂寞的情缘就像流星，美丽过后却无法继续轮回，曾经的心痛也已化成了心头的痛，迷惘的目光，湿润的眼睛，长长的背影，纠缠着漂泊的心事。
　　轻轻的吸了口气，收回散落的思绪，明天还是不知道。

如果我不在乎你

    如果我不在乎妳， 我不会在为你笑

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会变得这么脆弱

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会在意你做的每件事

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会静静的想着你发呆
如果我不在乎妳， 我不会记住你说的每句话

　　如果我不在乎妳， 不会要求你这样那样

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会为你心痛

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会把事情问出个究竟

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会总想着听到你的声音哪怕只是一句

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会自己一人珍惜与你在一起的时刻，哪怕你是无所谓的

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会总是不由自主的想起你

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会每天都那么坚持着我的坚持

　　如果我不在乎妳，  我不会总想着我们的语言傻傻的发笑

　　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会这么轻易的让痛苦折磨自己

　　如果我不在乎你， 我不会为了无关重要的小细节跟你争执，

    　如果我不在乎妳，  我不会经常的胡思乱想让自己心痛

    　如果我不在乎妳， 我不会在我最软弱的时候，真的支持不住地时候，对你说：“我累了，我很  不开心……”因为那时候的我，真的需要你的关心；

　　如果我不在乎你，我不会把我所有的事情都告诉你，哪怕是让你觉得枯燥无味，鸡毛蒜皮的小事，我不会把所有的秘密都告诉你，哪怕是最珍贵或是最不堪回首的往事
如果我不在乎你，我不会再次写下长篇大论的文字，甚至让你觉得是废话连篇；

　　

　　当我在乎你的时候，你却不在乎我，我将会消失于你的世界，而在我的世界里，也没有可以容纳你的位置；

　　当我在乎你的时候，而你却不在乎我，我不怪你；

　　引用爱情中的一句话；失恋根本不需要难过，真正难过的是他，因为你失去的是一个不爱你的人，而他失去的却是一个爱她的人。 同样，我失去的只是一个不在乎我的人，或者说我从来都没有失去过，因为你从来不曾在乎我，而你失去的却是我对你真真正正的关心和在乎。

如果我不在乎妳，我就真的什么都无所谓了·我的离去死活你从不过问。

　　每天，即使不会快乐，但至少不会总是难过。

Birthday Gift Ideas For Your Boyfriend

Whether you and your boyfriend have been dating for three months or three years, he deserves to have a wonderful present from you whenever he celebrates his birthday.

Well-thought out gifts are always a great way to show your affection and love for your boyfriend. Some men may not  be as open emotionally as women, but your boyfriend surely could not resist giving you a kiss or a hug in exchange of all the time and effort that you put into finding the perfect birthday present for him.

Here are some great and romantic gift ideas to give the most special man in your life on his birthday:

1. Something romantic.

A birthday present does not always have to be something expensive. Be creative in thinking of a romantic birthday gift
 for your boyfriend. If he has always given you flowers before, why don't you return the favor by giving him a dozen red roses? It will make him remember you as the only girl who ever gave him roses for his birthday.

A little effort would go a long way, too. Cook him his favorite dish and invite him over for a romantic picnic or dinner. Bake him a birthday cake, invite his friends over and surprise him with a birthday party.

Shower him with love notes, or make his entire day special by giving him a different gift in the morning, noon and at night. Be  creative in thinking of something fun, romantic and special to give him a birthday that he is not likely to forget.

2. Something that he wants.

If your special someone is into gadgets, give him that game gadget or music player that he is always talking about. If he is a car enthusiast, get him a great car accessory. Or, rent a sports vehicle or his dream car for him to drive on his birthday. Go out and spend a day indulging in the sport that he just   loves.

3. Something naughty.

Glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts are a sure-fire way to tickle his fancy. An intimate yet funny gift will remind him of the intimate moments that you shared together as a couple.

4. Something nice and traditional.

A gift basket with all the things that he likes on one delightful package also makes for a great birthday present for your boyfriend's birthday. A basketful of chocolates or wine is a wonderful birthday present.

If he is an executive, get him an expensive tie, cute cuff links or a nice wristwatch. Give him a set of his favorite cologne, perfume and aftershave. If he loves sailing, get him an antique compass that he can use.

5. Something that says "I love you."

You can literally give him an item with the message of how you feel. Give him a keychain for his car and house keys with an engraved message. Even small items like this would make your boyfriend feel special.

Remember that it is not always the cost that counts when giving out presents for your boyfriend on his birthday.

A well-thought out gift that would remind your boyfriend of how special he is to you will send out the right message on his birthday.

Wuthering Heights

He entered, vociferating oaths dreadful to hear; and caught me in the act of stowing his son away in the kitchen cupboard. Hareton was impressed with a wholesome terror of encountering either his wild beast's fondness or his madman's rage; for in one he ran a chance of being squeezed and kissed to death, and in the other of being flung into the fire, or dashed against the wall; and the poor thing remained perfectly quiet wherever I chose to put him.



`There, I've found it out at last!' cried Hindley, pulling me back by the skin of my neck, like a dog. `By heaven and hell, you've sworn between you to murder that child! I know how it is, now, that he is always out of my way. But, with the help of Satan, I shall make you swallow the carving-knife, Nelly! You needn't laugh; for I've just crammed Kenneth, head downmost, in the Blackhorse marsh; and two is the same as one--and I want to kill some of you: I shall have no rest till I do!'



`But I don't like the carving-knife, Mr Hindley,' I answered: `it has been cutting red herrings. I'd rather be shot, if you please.'



`You'd rather be damned!' he said; `and so you shall. No law in England can hinder a man from keeping his house decent, and mine's abominable! open your mouth.'



He held the knife in his hand, and pushed its point between my teeth: but, for my part, I was never much afraid of his vagaries. I spat out, and affirmed it tasted detestably--I would not take it on any account.



`Oh!' said he, releasing me, `I see that hideous little villain is not Hareton: I beg your pardon, Nell. If it be, he deserves flaying alive for not running to welcome me, and for screaming as if I were a goblin. Unnatural cub, come hither! I'll teach thee to impose on a good-hearted, deluded father. Now, don't you think the lad would be handsomer cropped? It makes a dog fiercer, and I love something fierce--get me a scissors--something fierce and trim! Besides, it's infernal affectation--devilish conceit it is, to cherish our ears--we're asses enough without them. Hush, child, hush! Well then, it is my darling! wisht, dry thy eyes--there's a joy; kiss me. What! it won't? Kiss me, Hareton! Damn thee, kiss me! By God, as if 1 would rear such a monster! As sure as I'm living, I'll break the brat's neck.'



Poor Hareton was squalling and kicking in his father's arms with all his might, and redoubled his yells when he carried him upstairs and lifted him over the banister. I cried out that he would frighten the child into fits, and ran to rescue him. As I reached them, Hindley leant forward on the rails to listen to a noise below; almost forgetting what he had in his hands. `Who is that?' he asked, hearing someone approaching the stair's foot. I leant forward also, for the purpose of signing to Heathcliff, whose step I recognized, not to come farther; and, at the instant when my eye quitted Hareton, he gave a sudden spring, delivered himself from the careless grasp that held him, and fell.





There was scarcely time to experience a thrill of horror before we saw that the little wretch was safe. Heathcliff arrived underneath just at the critical moment; by a natural impulse, he arrested his descent, and setting him on his feet, looked up to discover the author of the accident. A miser who has parted with a lucky lottery ticket for five shillings, and finds next day he has lost in the bargain five thousand pounds, could not show a blanker countenance than he did on beholding the figure of Mr Earnshaw above. It expressed, plainer than words could do, the intense anguish at having made himself the instrument of thwarting his own revenge. Had it been dark, I dare say, he would have tried to remedy the mistake by smashing Hareton's skull on the steps; but we witnessed his salvation; and I was presently below with my precious charge pressed to my heart. Hindley descended more leisurely, sobered and abashed.



`It is your fault, Ellen,' he said; `you should have kept him out of sight: you should have taken him from me! Is he injured anywhere?'



`Injured!' I cried angrily; `if he's not killed, he'll be an idiot! Oh! I wonder his mother does not rise from her grave to see how you use him. You're worse than a heathen--treating your own flesh and blood in that manner!'



He attempted to touch the child, who, on finding himself with me, sobbed off his terror directly. At the first finger his father laid on him, however, he shrieked again louder than before, and struggled as if he would go into convulsions.



`You shall not meddle with him!' I continued. `He hates you--they all hate you--that's the truth! A happy family you have: and a pretty state you're come to!'



`I shall come to a prettier, yet, Nelly,' laughed the misguided man, recovering his hardness. `At present, convey yourself and him away. And, hark you, Heathcliff! clear you too, quite from my reach and hearing. I wouldn't murder you tonight; unless, perhaps, I set the house on fire: but that's as my fancy goes.



While saying this he took a pint bottle of brandy from the dresser, and poured some into a tumbler.



`Nay, don't!' I entreated. `Mr Hindley, do take warning. Have mercy on this unfortunate boy, if you care nothing for yourself!'



`Anyone will do better for him than I shall,' he answered.



`Have mercy on your own soul!' I said, endeavouring to snatch the glass from his hand.



`Not I! On the contrary, I shall have great pleasure in sending it to perdition to punish its Maker,' exclaimed the blasphemer. `Here's to its hearty damnation!'



He drank the spirits and impatiently bade us go; terminating his command with a sequel of horrid imprecations, too bad to repeat or remember.



`It's a pity he cannot kill himself with drink,' observed Heathcliff, muttering an echo of curses back when the door was shut. `He's doing his very utmost; but his constitution defies him. Mr Kenneth says he would wager his mare, that he'll outlive any man on this side Gimmerton, and go to the grave a hoary sinner; unless some happy chance out of the common course befall him.'

A Terrible Vision

The cardinal leaned his elbow on his manuscript, his cheek upon his hand, and looked intently at the young man for a moment. No one had a more searching eye than the Cardinal de Richelieu, and D'Artagnan felt this glance run through his veins like a fever.




He however kept a good countenance, holding his hat in his hand and awaiting the good pleasure of his Eminence, without too much assurance, but also without too much humility.



"Monsieur," said the cardinal, "are you a D'Artagnan from Bearn?"



"Yes, monseigneur," replied the young man.



"There are several branches of the D'Artagnans at Tarbes and in its environs," said the cardinal; "to which do you belong?"



"I am the son of him who served in the Religious Wars under the great King Henry, the father of his gracious Majesty."



"That is well. It is you who set out seven or eight months ago from your country to seek your fortune in the capital?"



"Yes, monseigneur."



"You came through Meung, where something befell you. I don't very well know what, but still something."



"Monseigneur," said D'Artagnan, "this was what happened to me--"



"Never mind, never mind!" resumed the cardinal, with a smile which indicated that he knew the story as well as he who wished to relate it. "You were recommended to Monsieur de Treville, were you not?"



"Yes, monseigneur; but in that unfortunate affair at Meung--"



"The letter was lost," replied his Eminence; "yes, I know that. But Monsieur de Treville is a skilled physiognomist, who knows men at first sight; and he placed you in the company of his brother-in-law, Monsieur Dessessart, leaving you to hope that one day or other you should enter the Musketeers."



"Monseigneur is correctly informed," said D'Artagnan.



"Since that time many things have happened to you. You were walking one day behind the Chartreux, when it would have been better if you had been elsewhere. Then you took with your friends a journey to the waters of Forges; they stopped on the road, but you continued yours. That is all very simple: you had business in England."



"Monseigneur," said D'Artagnan, quite confused, "I went--"



"Hunting at Windsor, or elsewhere--that concerns nobody. I know, because it is my office to know everything. On your return you were received by an august personage, and I perceive with pleasure that you preserve the souvenir she gave you."



D'Artagnan placed his hand upon the queen's diamond, which he wore, and quickly turned the stone inward; but it was too late.



"The day after that, you received a visit from Cavois," resumed the cardinal. "He went to desire you to come to the palace. You have not returned that visit, and you were wrong."
"Monseigneur, I feared I had incurred disgrace with your Eminence."




"How could that be, monsieur? Could you incur my displeasure by having followed the orders of your superiors with more intelligence and courage than another would have done? It is the people who do not obey that I punish, and not those who, like you, obey--but too well. As a proof, remember the date of the day on which I had you bidden to come to me, and seek in your memory for what happened to you that very night."



That was the very evening when the abduction of Mme. Bonacieux took place. D'Artagnan trembled; and he likewise recollected that during the past half hour the poor woman had passed close to him, without doubt carried away by the same power that had caused her disappearance.



"In short," continued the cardinal, "as I have heard nothing of you for some time past, I wished to know what you were doing. Besides, you owe me some thanks. You must yourself have remarked how much you have been considered in all the circumstances."



D'Artagnan bowed with respect.



"That," continued the cardinal, "arose not only from a feeling of natural equity, but likewise from a plan I have marked out with respect to you."



D'Artagnan became more and more astonished.



"I wished to explain this plan to you on the day you received my first invitation; but you did not come. Fortunately, nothing is lost by this delay, and you are now about to hear it. Sit down there, before me, d'Artagnan; you are gentleman enough not to listen standing." And the cardinal pointed with his finger to a chair for the young man, who was so astonished at what was passing that he awaited a second sign from his interlocutor before he obeyed.



"You are brave, Monsieur d'Artagnan," continued his Eminence; "you are prudent, which is still better. I like men of head and heart. Don't be afraid," said he, smiling. "By men of heart I mean men of courage. But young as you are, and scarcely entering into the world, you have powerful enemies; if you do not take great heed, they will destroy you."



"Alas, monseigneur!" replied the young man, "very easily, no doubt, for they are strong and well supported, while I am alone."



"Yes, that's true; but alone as you are, you have done much already, and will do still more, I don't doubt. Yet you have need, I believe, to be guided in the adventurous career you have undertaken; for, if I mistake not, you came to Paris with the ambitious idea of making your fortune."



"I am at the age of extravagant hopes, monseigneur," said D'Artagnan.



"There are no extravagant but for fools, monsieur, and you are a man of understanding. Now, what would you say to an ensign's commission in my Guards, and a company after the campaign?"



"Ah, monseigneur."



"You accept it, do you not?"

War And Peace

ONLY THE EXPRESSION of the will of the Deity, not depending on time, can

relate to a whole series of events that have to take place during several years

or centuries; and only the Deity, acting by His will alone, not affected by any

cause, can determine the direction of the movement of humanity. Man acts in

time, and himself takes part in the event.







Restoring the first condition that was omitted, the condition of time, we

perceive that no single command can be carried out apart from preceding commands

that have made the execution of the last command possible.



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Never is a single command given quite independently and arbitrarily, nor does

it cover a whole series of events. Every command is the sequel to some other;

and it never relates to a whole course of events, but only to one moment in

those events.







When we say, for instance, that Napoleon commanded the army to go to fight,

we sum up in one single expression a series of consecutive commands, depending

one upon another. Napoleon could not command a campaign against Russia, and

never did command it. He commanded one day certain papers to be written to

Vienna, to Berlin, and to Petersburg; next day certain decrees and instructions

to the army, the fleet, and the commissariat, and so on and so on—millions of

separate commands, making up a whole series of commands, corresponding to a

series of events leading the French soldiers to Russia.







Napoleon was giving commands all through his reign for an expedition to

England. On no one of his undertakings did he waste so much time and so much

effort, and yet not once during his reign was an attempt made to carry out his

design. Yet he made an expedition against Russia, with which, according to his

repeatedly expressed conviction, it was to his advantage to be in alliance; and

this is due to the fact that his commands in the first case did not, and in the

second did, correspond with the course of events.







In order that a command should certainly be carried out, it is necessary that

the man should give a command that can be carried out. To know what can and what

cannot be carried out is impossible, not only in the case of Napoleon's campaign

against Russia, in which millions took part, but even in the case of the

simplest event, since millions of obstacles may always arise to prevent its

being carried out. Every command that is carried out is always one out of a mass

of commands that are not carried out. All the impossible commands are

inconsistent with the course of events and are not carried out. Only those which

are possible are connected with consecutive series of commands, consistent with

series of events, and they are carried out.







Our false conception that the command that precedes an event is the cause of

an event is due to the fact that when the event has taken place and those few

out of thousands of commands, which happen to be consistent with the course of

events, are carried out, we forget those which were not, because they could not

be carried out. Apart from that, the chief source of our error arises from the

fact that in the historical account a whole series of innumerable, various, and

most minute events, as, for instance, all that led the French soldiers to

Russia, are generalised into a single event, in accordance with the result

produced by that series of events; and by a corresponding generalisation a whole

series of commands too is summed up into a single expression of will.



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We say: Napoleon chose to invade Russia and he did so. In reality we never

find in all Napoleon's doings anything like an expression of that design: what

we find is a series of commands or expressions of his will of the most various

and undefined tendency. Out of many series of innumerable commands of Napoleon

not carried out, one series of commands for the campaign of 1812 was carried

out; not from any essential difference between the commands carried out and

those not carried out, but simply because the former coincided with the course

of events that led the French soldiers into Russia; just as in stencil-work one

figure or another is sketched, not because the colours are laid on this side or

in that way, but because on the figure cut out in stencil, colours are laid on

all sides.







So that examining in time the relation of commands to events, we find that

the command can never in any case be the cause of the event, but that a certain

definite dependence exists between them. To understand of what this dependence

consists, it is essential to restore the other circumstance lost sight of, a

condition accompanying any command issuing not from the Deity, but from man.

That circumstance is that the man giving the command is himself taking part in

the event.







That relation of the commanding person to those he commands is indeed

precisely what is called power. That relation may be analysed as follows.



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For common action, men always unite in certain combinations, in which, in

spite of the difference of the objects aimed at by common action, the relation

between the men taking a part in the action always remains the same.



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Uniting in these combinations, men always stand in such a relation to one

another that the largest number of men take a greater direct share, and a

smaller number of men a less direct share in the combined action for which they

are united. Of all such combinations in which men are organised for the

performance of common action, one of the most striking and definite examples is

the army.







Every army is composed of members of lower military standing—the private

soldiers, who are always the largest proportion of the whole, of members of a

slightly higher military standing—corporals and non-commissioned officers, who

are fewer in number than the privates; of still higher officers, whose numbers

are even less; and so on, up to the chief military command of all, which is

concentrated in one person.







The military organisation may be with perfect accuracy compared to the figure

of a cone, the base of which, with the largest diameter, consists of privates;

the next higher and smaller plane, of the lower officers; and so on up to the

apex of the cone, which will be the commander-in-chief.







The soldiers, who are the largest number, form the lowest plane and the base

of the cone. The soldier himself does the stabbing and hacking, and burning and

pillaging, and always receives commands to perform these acts from the persons

in the plane next above. He himself never gives a command. The non-commissioned

officer (these are fewer in number) more rarely performs the immediate act than

the soldier; but he gives commands. The officer next above him still more rarely

acts directly himself, and still more frequently commands. The general does

nothing but command the army, and hardly ever makes use of a weapon. The

commander-in-chief never takes direct part in the action itself, and simply

makes general arrangements as to the movements of the masses. A similar relation

exists in every combination of persons for common action—in agriculture,

commerce, and in every department of activity.







And so without artificially analysing all the converging planes of the cone

and ranks of the army or classes or ranks of any department whatever, or public

undertaking, from lower to higher, a law comes into existence, by which men

always combine together for the performance of common action in such relation

that the more directly they take part in the action, the less they command, and

the greater their numbers; and the less direct the part they take in the common

action, the more they command, and the fewer they are in number; passing in that

way from the lower strata up to a single man at the top, who takes least direct

share in the action, and devotes his energy more than all the rest to giving

commands.







This is the relation of persons in command to those whom they command, and it

constitutes the essence of the conception of what is called power.



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Restoring the conditions of time under which all events take place, we found

that a command is carried out only when it relates to a corresponding course of

events. Restoring the essential condition of connection between the persons

commanding and fulfilling the commands, we have found that by their very nature

the persons commanding take the smallest part in the action itself, and their

energy is exclusively directed to commanding.